How to Be a Mental Health Ally (Even If You Don't 'Get It')

How to Be a Mental Health Ally (Even If You Don't 'Get It')

Your friend just told you they're depressed.

Or your partner has anxiety. Your coworker is struggling with their mental health. Your kid is in therapy.

And you want to help. But you don't know how.

You've never experienced depression. You don't understand anxiety. Mental health feels foreign to you.

So you say things like:

  • "Just think positive!"
  • "Have you tried exercising?"
  • "It could be worse."

And then you wonder why they don't talk to you anymore. Here's the truth: You don't have to understand mental illness to support someone who has it.

You just have to care. And you have to stop saying the wrong things.

Here's how to be a mental health ally—even if you don't "get it."

What Is a Mental Health Ally?

A mental health ally is someone who:

  • Supports people with mental health struggles
  • Educates themselves about mental illness
  • Challenges stigma and discrimination
  • Creates safe spaces for honest conversations
  • Advocates for better mental health care

You don't need to be a therapist. You don't need to have mental illness yourself.

You just need to show up with empathy instead of judgment.

What NOT to Say (And Why)

Let's start with what NOT to do. Because most people mean well—but accidentally say harmful things.

❌ "Just think positive!"

Why it's harmful: Depression isn't a choice. You can't "positive think" your way out of a chemical imbalance or trauma. What it sounds like: "Your pain isn't real. You're choosing to be miserable." What to say instead: "I'm sorry you're going through this. What can I do to support you?"

❌ "Have you tried exercise/meditation/yoga?"

Why it's harmful: They've heard this 47 times already. And while exercise can help, it's not a cure for mental illness. What it sounds like: "You're not trying hard enough to fix yourself." What to say instead: "I know you're doing everything you can. I'm here for you."

❌ "Everyone feels that way sometimes."

Why it's harmful: Minimizes their experience. Clinical depression is NOT the same as feeling sad. What it sounds like: "You're being dramatic. Your struggles aren't valid." What to say instead: "I can't imagine how hard this is for you."

❌ "You don't seem depressed/anxious."

Why it's harmful: Mental illness doesn't have a "look." People mask their pain. High-functioning depression is real. What it sounds like: "You're lying or exaggerating." What to say instead: "Thank you for trusting me with this."

❌ "It could be worse."

Why it's harmful: Pain isn't a competition. Other people's suffering doesn't erase theirs. What it sounds like: "Your problems don't matter." What to say instead: "Your feelings are valid, no matter what."

❌ "Have you tried therapy?" (to someone already in therapy)

Why it's harmful: Assumes they haven't thought of the most obvious solution. Most people struggling ARE in therapy or trying to access it. What it sounds like: "You're not doing enough." What to say instead: "How's therapy going?" (if they've mentioned it)

❌ "You're so strong/brave."

Why it's sometimes harmful: Can feel like pressure to keep it together. Not everyone wants to be "strong." What it sounds like: "Don't show weakness. Keep performing strength." What to say instead: "You don't have to be strong right now. It's okay to fall apart."

❌ "Just snap out of it."

Why it's harmful: If they could, they would. Mental illness doesn't work that way. What it sounds like: "You're choosing this. Stop being lazy." What to say instead: Literally anything else.

What TO Say (And Do)

Now that you know what NOT to say, here's what actually helps.

✅ "I'm here for you."

Simple. Powerful. Non-judgmental.

You're not trying to fix them. You're just present.

✅ "Thank you for telling me."

It takes courage to open up about mental health. Acknowledge that.

Bonus: "I'm glad you trust me with this."

✅ "You're not a burden."

People with mental illness often feel like they're too much. Explicitly tell them they're not.

Say it multiple times. They won't believe you the first time.

✅ "What do you need right now?"

Don't assume what would help. Ask.

Some people want distraction. Others want to talk. Some want silence. Some want tacos.

Let them tell you.

✅ "It's okay to not be okay."

Give them permission to struggle. They don't have to pretend to be fine.

✅ "I believe you."

Validates their experience. Especially important when they're doubting themselves.

✅ "This doesn't change how I see you."

Mental illness doesn't make someone broken. Reassure them they're still the same person you care about.

✅ "I don't understand what you're going through, but I'm here anyway."

Honest. Humble. Supportive.

You don't have to "get it" to care.

How to Actually Help (Practical Actions)

Words matter. But actions matter more.

Here's how to show up:

1. Check In Regularly (But Don't Be Pushy)

Don't: Text once and disappear. Do: Send low-pressure messages:

  • "Thinking of you today."
  • "No need to respond, just wanted to say hi."
  • "Here if you need anything."

Frequency: Weekly check-ins. Not daily (that can feel overwhelming).

2. Show Up for the Boring Stuff

Depression makes basic tasks feel impossible.

Offer specific, practical help:

  • "Can I bring you groceries this week?"
  • "Want me to sit with you while you do laundry?"
  • "I'm making dinner—I'll drop some off for you."

Don't say: "Let me know if you need anything." (They won't ask.) Do say: "I'm coming over Saturday with coffee. Text me if you want a different day."

3. Just Be Present

You don't have to fix anything. Sometimes presence is enough.

Sit with them in silence. Watch TV together. Exist in the same space.

Depression is lonely. Your presence fights that loneliness.

4. Respect Their Boundaries

If they cancel plans, don't guilt them.

If they need space, give it.

If they're not ready to talk, don't push.

Supporting someone means respecting their needs—even when those needs are inconvenient for you.

5. Learn About Their Specific Condition

Don't: Assume all mental illness is the same. Do: Research their specific diagnosis:

Good resources:

6. Don't Make It About You

Don't:

  • "I know exactly how you feel." (You don't.)
  • "When I was sad, I just went for a run." (Cool story, not helpful.)
  • "This is so hard for me to watch." (They're living it.)

Do:

  • Listen more than you talk
  • Ask questions instead of giving advice
  • Keep the focus on them, not you

7. Encourage Professional Help (Without Being Pushy)

Don't: "You NEED therapy." Do:

  • "I've heard therapy can help. Would you like help finding a therapist?"
  • "If you ever want to talk to someone, I can help you look for resources."
  • Share resources: How to Find a Therapist

If cost is a barrier: Free and Low-Cost Mental Health Resources

8. Normalize Therapy

Talk about therapy like it's normal. Because it is.

  • "My therapist said..." (if you're in therapy)
  • "I've been thinking about trying therapy."
  • "Therapy is cool. Everyone should go."

Check out our Therapy Culture Collection—because going to therapy should be celebrated, not stigmatized.

9. Don't Disappear When It Gets Hard

Mental illness isn't a one-time crisis. It's chronic.

Don't: Show up for the first week, then ghost. Do: Stay consistent. Keep checking in. Keep showing up. Even when it's messy. Even when it's uncomfortable. Even when it's been months.

10. Take Care of Yourself Too

You can't pour from an empty cup.

Supporting someone with mental illness is emotionally draining. That's okay to acknowledge. Set boundaries. Go to therapy yourself. Ask for support.

Being a mental health ally doesn't mean sacrificing your own mental health.

How to Support Different Mental Health Conditions

Different conditions need different support. Here's a quick guide:

Supporting Someone with Depression

What they might need:

  • Help with basic tasks (cooking, cleaning, errands)
  • Permission to not be okay
  • Patience (depression doesn't have a timeline)
  • Reminders that it's not their fault

What NOT to do:

  • Tell them to "cheer up"
  • Compare their life to others ("you have so much to be grateful for")
  • Expect them to "get better" on your timeline

Learn more: Living with Depression: What They Don't Tell You

Supporting Someone with Anxiety

What they might need:

  • Reassurance (even if it seems irrational)
  • Grounding techniques during panic attacks
  • Flexibility (anxiety makes plans hard)
  • Understanding that anxiety isn't logical

What NOT to do:

  • Say "calm down" (doesn't work)
  • Dismiss their fears as silly
  • Force them into anxiety-inducing situations

Learn more: Anxiety Isn't Just Worrying: Understanding Anxiety Disorders

Supporting Someone with ADHD/Autism

What they might need:

  • Understanding when they forget things (it's not on purpose)
  • Accommodations (written reminders, quiet spaces)
  • Acceptance of stimming, hyperfocus, and other neurodivergent traits
  • Recognition that their brain works differently—not wrongly

What NOT to do:

  • Tell them to "just focus"
  • Shame them for being forgetful or late
  • Expect them to act neurotypical

Learn more: Neurodivergent Pride Collection

Supporting Someone in a Mental Health Crisis

If someone is suicidal or in immediate danger: DO:

  • Take them seriously
  • Stay with them (don't leave them alone)
  • Remove access to means (guns, pills, etc.)
  • Call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
  • Take them to the ER if needed

DON'T:

  • Minimize their feelings
  • Dare them to do it
  • Promise to keep it secret
  • Leave them alone

Crisis Resources: Mental Health Crisis Resources: 988 and Beyond

Common Mistakes Even Good Allies Make

You mean well. But even well-meaning allies mess up. Here's how:

Mistake #1: Treating Them Like They're Fragile

Mental illness doesn't make someone breakable.

Don't: Walk on eggshells. Constantly ask "are you okay?" Do: Treat them like a whole person, not just their diagnosis.

Mistake #2: Making Everything About Their Mental Health

They're still a person with interests, hobbies, and a life outside their diagnosis.

Talk about normal stuff too. TV shows. Memes. Weekend plans. They're not "the depressed friend." They're your friend who has depression.

Mistake #3: Comparing Struggles

Don't: "Well, I've been stressed too..." Do: Acknowledge that stress and clinical depression are different.

Pain isn't a competition. Don't minimize theirs by comparing.

Mistake #4: Taking It Personally When They Cancel Plans

Depression makes everything hard—including socializing.

Don't: Guilt them. Get angry. Stop inviting them. Do: Say "No worries, let's reschedule when you're up for it." Keep inviting them. Even if they say no 10 times. It means you still care.

Mistake #5: Trying to Fix Them

You are not their therapist. You are their friend/partner/family member.

Your job isn't to fix them. It's to support them while they do the work.

How to Be an Ally in Public (Challenging Stigma)

Being a mental health ally isn't just about private support. It's about public advocacy.

Here's how to challenge mental health stigma:

1. Call Out Harmful Language

When someone says:

  • "That's so crazy/psycho/bipolar"
  • "They're just attention-seeking"
  • "Mental illness isn't real"

Say something:

  • "Actually, that's stigmatizing. Can we use different language?"
  • "Mental illness is real, and language like that makes it harder for people to get help."

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2. Share Mental Health Content

Normalize mental health conversations on social media.

  • Share mental health awareness posts
  • Talk openly about therapy
  • Amplify mental health advocates

Wear your support: Mental Health Awareness Shirts start conversations and break stigma.

3. Support Mental Health Causes

  • Donate to mental health organizations (NAMI, Crisis Text Line)
  • Advocate for better mental health care
  • Vote for policies that expand mental health access

4. Educate Yourself Continuously

Mental health understanding evolves. Keep learning.

Read books. Listen to podcasts. Follow mental health advocates.

The more you know, the better ally you can be.

The Bottom Line: You Don't Have to Understand to Care

You might never fully understand what depression feels like.

Or anxiety. Or ADHD. Or PTSD.

And that's okay.

You don't have to "get it" to:

  • Believe someone
  • Support them
  • Respect their experience
  • Fight stigma
  • Show up consistently

Being a mental health ally is simple:

  • Listen more than you talk
  • Validate instead of minimize
  • Show up consistently
  • Challenge stigma
  • Educate yourself

You won't be perfect. You'll say the wrong thing sometimes. That's okay.

What matters is that you care enough to try.

Gift Your Support

Supporting someone with mental health struggles? Show them you care—both in words and through thoughtful gestures.

Our collections make meaningful gifts for people navigating mental health:

Sometimes the best way to say "I see you" is with a shirt that says it for you. Related Posts:

If you or someone you know is in crisis:

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call or text 988
  • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
  • SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357
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